Bad, Bad Blogger

21111rmSo many blog worth thoughts and moments that I just haven't captured. I need to learn to blog from my black berry. Here are snippets of what has been going on in my crazy, screwed up brain.

1. is my depression affecting my kids. Are they being so impossible because of me? Or am I just blaming myself unnecessarily?
   
2. should I finally give in and get gastric bypass? I have gained back most of the WW loss and just can't seem to get back to it.
3. will I even be elegible for gastric surgery. AFter all, OBGYN who delivered Little Bit told me to never let anyone operate on my stomach again.
4. HE DID IT!!! He doesn't realize it, but LB took 3-4 steps unassisted on Saturday. he did it again within the hour, but just looked at me like I was insane when I cheered and clapped.
5. Another Milestone: At his 15 month well child check, Little Bit finally registered on the growth chart for his actual age. Only at 5th percentile for weight, but thats ok he made the chart! Was a time he was only 5th percentile for his adjusted age, so I'm psyched.
6. Maestro's childhood is going to be gone before I know it and I will have wasted it. Kindergarten registration is in 2 months. Next sept., he will be away from me all day. If I want to build some amazing preschool memories with him, the time is NOW!
7. How am I going to find a shrink who I connect with who will really help me and not just be my pusher. A pusher is fine when I'm doing well, but I need someone who I connect with and feel "gets me" when I'm in a bad place like I am now.
   
8. How much longer is my poor knee going to hold on? I was told 4 1/2 years ago I needed surgery, but Maestro was exclusively breastfeeding so I put it off. My knee is painful all the time now and so creaky and crunchy inside that I fear it is only a matter of time before it locks up on me again. Do I go pursue surgery on it first or find a way to lose this extra person first?
9. Am I living my life vicariously through the internet too much? Is that contributing to the depression or a result of it? I can't live my own life when I am so busy reading about others lives on the boards and blogs.
   
10. Case in point, check out Randi's blog I await each new post with baited breath as she shares her amazing journey to Ethiopia to add a 5th child (a 15 year old boy) to her family. At least Randi is a former neighbor and IRL friend.
11. How do I get more close friends added to my family's life. Again I worry it is my depression that is keeping them away
12. I'm still (ridiculously) grieving the fact that there will be no more babies for us. I'm definitely reveling in Little Bit's growth and development and share moments of sheer joy with him nearly every day, but I do still feel a loss when another's pg is announced knowing I will never go down that road again.
13. What in the world should we do with our totsicles? Should we donate them to my friend in Seattle who lost all her embryos during the thaw? Can I deal with someone else raising my child? If I can't donate them what do I do with them? Pay $1200 a year for the next 5 years when they will be destroyed anyway on my 45th birthday?
14. Still kind of missing my fertile friend who's friendship I lost over above totsicles. She judged me about them when I was miscarrying rather than support me through a very difficult time. I know I can't trust her. This is not the first time she hurt me and yet I do miss her and her family. she helped me get started at WW and I it actually crossed my mind to call her and ask her to join WW with me again. Don't worry, L. I quickly squelched the thought!
15. Ooo, I could prune out one of these and then save this post for Thurday Thirteen!

OK, I think thats enough. Time to go get some sleep so I can try to start turning my life around in the morning. My house still languishes under the remnants of Christmas. I desperately need to restore order to my mind, my house and my family - not necessarily in that order.