I'm Struggling

This blog started a few years ago as a way for me to cope with my life long depression. I was doing well and stopped blogging. When I got back to blogging, I changed my opening blurb because I really was not dealing with depression anymore. I take my medicine every day (mostly, I do forget here and there) and just get on with my life. I was especially proud that I wasn't hit with PPD after Little Bit was born almost 8 weeks early. If there was ever a time that could trigger an episode, that was it. (I did have a pretty severe episode when I went off my meds in the first trimester with Little Bit. I knew when the shrink suggested it that it was a bad idea, but I tried it)

Anyway, I did really well this fall until the time change. It came later this year and I think that is part of what threw me off. I did so well through all of October, that I wasn't expecting the crash. The time change coupled with many days of cloudy, rainy weather really threw me for a loop. Luckily, I realized what was happening and got to the shrink. He suggested a light box. I had asked about one in past seasons and he said it was too late. This year he said if I got one right away, it could work.

That was a month ago. It took me awhile to decide on one and then they had issues with my credit card. If all goes well it should arrive today. It takes up to a week to work. Biggest issue is going to be hauling my butt out of bed in time to use it every day.

In the meantime, I have been trying to cut myself a break and to make small steps to make myself feel better. Luckily, Craig and I are doing better. (I wrote about a relationship that was upsetting me a few weeks ago. My marriage was in something of a crisis, but we seemed to have gotten through it).

We are treating this episode as if I have a chronic physical illness like RA or MS and this is a flare. Actually, I know my depression is physical. It is a definite chemical imbalance in my brain that I will battle the rest of my life, but it is hard to remember that sometimes. I feel so pathetic. I'm not dealing with death or serious illness in my family, money is tight, but I have no problems feeding, clothing, sheltering my kids etc. So what do I have to be depressed about? I know women dealing with those issues and they are doing just fine and holding it all together. Then I remind myself that I would be fine to if my serotonin levels were ok. And I will be fine again.

I'm also trying to take baby steps toward helping myself. Part of my problem is the chaos in our house. It brings me down and makes me feel even more overwhelmed. It was started by the construction and excacerbated by changing seasonal clothes, getting out holiday stuff etc. BUT, I CAN make progress. I am trying to find one good thing I have accomplished every day to feel good about. Even if a million things remain undone at least I did ONE thing. I may start listing those things in my blog every day as a reminder. Sort of an online cognitive therapy excercise.

Friday: I made a costco run with both younger boys. not a big deal on a normal day, but hard to do when you feel like you are moving through thick thick molasses and your patience is thin as a dime. Also let the boys play for a long time at the playground after school despite the freezing cold.

Saturday: 1) I volunteered at the school book fair and had a really good time. Galileo came with me and was so well behaved and so helpful at the end packing up and breaking down displays. I was so proud of him. 2) I managed to keep the baby alive despite a horrible brain crushing migraine so that Craig could get the Christmas lights up.

Sunday: 1) taught the boys how to make paper snowflakes and helped JD make online snowflakes. At this site. 2) Took the baby up for a bath and bathed he and Maestro while Craig and Galileo finished dinenr. Again, something I take for granted on a normal day, but it took all my will power last night. 3) Folded and put away hamper after hamper of laundry. Only got about half way done, but its a start. Also cleaned out the too small clothes from the baby's dresser.

Today: Cleaned the kitchen including sweeping the floor. Hope to get it mopped soon. Went through the boys Christmas gifts with Craig to make sure I had it even. May get one or two more things and need stocking stuffers. Took baby to doctor for his cold - no big deal, but took time energy from other things

Today's Remaining Goals: Mop the kitchen floor, buy groceries either online or in person, make baked beans for dinner to have with the bagel dogs Maestro has been begging me to make. I know, not so healthy, but at least its not McDonald's. I have a lot more I would like to get done, but I think this is enough for now.