Depression SUX

I wrote this on a bullentin board that a cyber friend started for women living with PPD. I should have blogged it, so I am including it now. It was written last night at 11pm or so.

I'm sorry, this is likely to be a long venting downer post. Please feel free to skip it. I just need to get this out. Its soooooo frustrating to battle depression. The medicines are a life saver, but they also shut down a huge peice of me. That shut down affects me and my marriage and thus my dh.

I forgot to take my meds while at my moms. I decided to wait a couple more days before starting on it figuring dh and I might be able to "enjoy eachother" for once. (between illnesses, yeast infection and my lack of desire, we haven't had sex in much too long!)) Anyway, I figured I was doing ok, so dh deserved a real marriage. The fates worked against us. One night the boys tagged teamed being awake off and on all night. The next night, dh worked all night long. The next night he passed out long before JD was asleep so no go.

Tonight I lost my temper because there was no bread when I wanted to make a sandwich. I know I was irrational and it was due to lack of meds. BUT it wasn't that bad. Dh however was really "scared" by it. I cursed and stomped upstairs - not super mature I admit, but nothing to be afraid of. Anyway after that he was acting all weird around me, so no fun tonight either. grrrr.

I have to get back on the meds tomorrow AM first thing. I know it will take some time to build back up. But its time. I really screamed at JD a couple of times today. Now, granted, he was being really annoying and not paying any attention to me until I screamed, but it still wasn't an acceptable way to deal with a 4 year old. After tonight, I know losing it with JD was probably lackof meds also.

SO, be rational mostly functional and usually patient mom, or have a sex life with my dh. Why should i have to make these choices? It stinks.

Ok, whine fest is over. I should blog this, but dh and a good friend now know my blog address and I'm not sure I want them reading it. grrrrr